My Bipolar Life

An Experiment

2011-08-04T10:52:00.002-04:00

I originally created Carried in His Hands (my religion blog) as a way to separate my religious life and my secular life so my readers would not have to weed through one or the other to find what they wanted. At this point, however, I am so wrapped up in religion that it IS my everyday life. Therefore, I am going to try only keeping up one blog, carriedinhishands.blogspot.com , and use it for everything. Please sign up to follow me there!

"My" Little Girl

2011-08-02T17:44:00.001-04:00

(Please note that I am posting this on three of my blogs!)

A few of you may remember my commitment to be a prayer warrior for a sweet Russian girl with Down Syndrome who is living in an orphanage. The idea of the prayer warrior system is that each warrior is assigned a specific child for whom to pray every day. Due to life circumstances, I can no longer fulfill that commitment, but I am determined to find a new prayer warrior for "Erin." Just email laurie@reecesrainbow.org and ask to be "Erin's" prayer warrior.

You can see "Erin" by following this link and scrolling down:
http://reecesrainbow.org/category/waitingbycountry/russia/1region

Thank you so much!

See You Over There!

2011-03-05T22:24:00.000-05:00

I am switching back to my pain blog, teenagelifewithpain.blogspot.com, until further notice. It's too much work to keep two/three blogs at once. See you there!

IMPORTANT

2011-03-02T22:12:00.001-05:00

There is a boy in my class at school who is in the ICU,very sick...prayers please.

Sad Update

2011-02-22T18:14:00.001-05:00

It has taken me a long time to gather the courage to write this post because I didn't want this to be real.

But it is.

Last week, a six pound ball hit my foot. (See my pain blog for more about my feet.) By the next day, I was in worse pain than I'd felt in months, and it's only gotten worse since then. The pain cycles up and down throughout the day, but each day's "highs" are worse than the last's.

I am fighting hard this time. I refuse to be disabled again. I am walking; I am running; I am dancing. And I'm proud of myself for fighting so hard.

But it hurts. I don't know how long I can keep fighting. I keep telling myself that I only need to hang on for one more day, and that it might be better tomorrow.

Nevertheless, I am scared sh*tless.

Glad

2011-02-09T17:17:00.000-05:00

I am GLAD I donated to Reece's Rainbow yesterday. It feels RIGHT. I will definitely donate a majority of my birthday money next year. I feel WONDERFUL...and I'm eighteen!

My Birthday

2011-02-08T21:18:00.002-05:00

Overall, I had a very nice day. My advisor (homeroom teacher) baked me a cake, so I had some. Everybody knew it was my birthday because of the mass emails that get sent out on birthdays at my school. I made a donation to Reece's Rainbow--the highlight of my day!--and I will have another cake with my dormmates tonight.

But--just being honest here--something was missing. I know Reece's Rainbow is important. I know those donations are critical to saving lives. But honestly, I wanted something I could open. Next year I will get myself a small gift and donate the rest of my birthday money.

And so now I am eighteen. I can vote. I can sign my own medical forms. I am legally my own.

What a privilege. What a responsibility. Wow.

Hope for Masha!

2011-02-07T11:35:00.001-05:00

I have great news! The judge approved Tori's adoption! That means that even though she is in an institution, the door will stay open for Masha.

Isn't that wonderful?

Last Hope

2011-02-05T20:56:00.001-05:00

Remember the little girl about whom I last spoke? Well, I have sad news. She WILL be transferred to an institution. There is, however, one last hope. A family is going to that institution to attempt to adopt another little girl (Tori). They must, however, persuade the director to approve. If she does, the door is still open for our little girl (Masha). If the judge says no, that door is shut forvever.

Just Days to Go...

2011-02-01T21:53:00.000-05:00

...until a precious little girl named Masha is transferred to a mental institution and loses her chance at a family. Go here: http://www.psalmsixtyeight.blogspot.com/ to learn more. Please spread the word!

Something Big is most lIkely about to happen...

2011-01-31T19:13:00.001-05:00

Stay tuned, and pray if you're the praying type!

Important on my Other Blog

2011-01-16T21:15:00.001-05:00

At carriedinhishands.blogspot.com I have posted a prayer request. It is usually my policy not to post about religion on this blog, or to ask for prayer anywhere or ever, but this is really important. One detail I did not share there that I will share here is that this has to do with Reece's Rainbow! More details if it actually works out. Please join me in prayer.

Midterms

2011-01-16T17:14:00.001-05:00

Oh, midterms, how I loathe thee...

One test Tueday.
One quiz Wednesday.
One test Thursday.
One test AND one quiz Friday.

And I still have to make up the work I missed because of my medical leave.

Great News!

2011-01-13T19:56:00.001-05:00

Through no action of mine, the Down Syndrome Girls 6+ fund now has $3755 in it. Is that not amazing, incredible, WOW?

Cool!

2011-01-11T21:25:00.002-05:00

Yesterday or the day before (I forget which) I discovered a new Jewish music group on Youtube. They are called Lev Tahor (Pure Heart) and they are amazing, even if you are not Jewish! My favorite songs by them are Lo Alecha (my theme song) and Deaf Man in the Shteeble (really sweet and moving).

2011-01-10T21:03:00.001-05:00

Quote of the Moment

2011-01-10T16:12:00.001-05:00

"Lo alecha ham'lakha lig'mor, v'lo atah ben khoreen l'hivatel mimenah."

"It is not upon you to finish the work, but neither are you free to desist from it."

Talk about quick!!!

2011-01-08T22:21:00.000-05:00

All of a sudden, the Dwon Syndrome Girls 6+ grant fund has 850 DOLLARS in it! I will make it pass $1000!

Someone Special

2011-01-05T17:09:00.003-05:00

Introducing... "ERIN"! Erin is the child to whom I have been assigned as a Reece's Rainbow Prayer Warrior. It is my privilege to pray for her until she finds a family, and perhaps longer. I know the picture depicts a young child, but Erin is actually turning nine this month. (No one knows how old the picture is; I've checked.)

My Goal

2011-01-02T17:10:00.003-05:00

As you all know, my charity for this year is Reece's Rainbow, and I am specifically raising money for the Down Syndrome Girls 6+ page. This is a general grant fund that will go to the next family to adopt a little girl from that page.

I have a goal for how much money I will raise and donate. That goal is 200 dollars. I will get 50 from my parents for my birthday, which puts me off to a fine start.

This will not be easy. It means no more breakfasts, lunches, or dinners out with friends; no more snacks from the Student Union at school; no new clothes; no new craft supplies; no trips to the theater or the movies or ice skating. In short, it means going without for a much greater cause.

I think I can do it.

PS Can anyone tell me how a Chip-in works? I am toying with a couple of fundraising ideas.

Happy New Year?

2011-01-01T17:52:00.002-05:00

2010 was a rough year for me in more ways than one...OK, in one way, but it was big. The ups and downs of bipolar disorder, my need for sleep, my emotional outbursts: all domineered my life.

I have no evidence that 2011 will be better, but I do believe it will. Maybe because I foresee getting control of my bipolar disorder; maybe because I will be starting college; and maybe just because I have decided it is going to be and I have the will power to make it so.

OK...New Year's Resolutions: I am only making two of them.

1. I will make time for God in my life. I will daven (pray the mandatory Jewish prayers) at least once a day, and hopefully twice. I need to connect with God in this way in order for the prayers I compose to mean anything.

2. I will pick a project/topic and make a difference in the world. This year, my chosen organization is Reece's Rainbow. I will donate what I have (maybe I won't get a birthday gift after all), I will post on my blog, and I will even "shout" on Facebook. Better believe I will make a difference.

So yes, friends, family, and readers: Happy new year.

Inspired

2010-12-30T21:19:00.003-05:00

I am so inspired by Mrs. Nalle at covenantbuilders.blogspot.com! She came home with her son "shouting", as she puts it, for the "lost boys" at her son's mental institution in his former country. She prayed, and wept, and raised money, and made connections, and...she made a difference.

I have very little money, no connections, and zero experience. But...I can blog. I can tell. I can pray. I can also donate the little money I have. Reece's Rainbow has a very real need. I will not turn my back.

At the moment, Reece's Rainbow needs donations to their Voice of Hope fund to help cover merchandise for their Buddy Walks (major awareness events), and of course the waiting children need money in their grant funds as well. Please consider donating or at least praying. Thank you.

Wonderful News!

2010-12-30T12:59:00.002-05:00

"Grady" is officially his parents' son! His name is now Andrei Asher. God be praised! Go visit his parents' blog (adoptinggrady.blogspot.com) to find out more.

Also, I am considering participating in the Reece's Rainbow prayer warrior program again. On the one hand, I feel that this is a great way to help as many children as possible; on the other, I feel attached to Andrei and feel that I must keep praying for all of his needs, and that I want to focus my energy on him. Please (politely) let me know your opinions on this very important issue, and please consider lookng into the prayer warrior program yourself!

Just so nobody thinks I'm perfect (not that anybody did)...

2010-12-29T17:31:00.003-05:00

I know I said I had a goal to save money to donate to the Down Syndrome Older Girls' page on Reece's Rainbow. I still want to do that. But...

I wanted a Hannukah gift.
I want a birthday gift.
I will not deny myself those things because it's been a hard year and quite frankly I emotionally need them.

Extra money will go to Reece's Rainbow:
Left over birthday money from parents.
Birthday money from relatives.
Money from doing chores around the house and hopefully from my first job this Summer (assuming I can get one).

Because I know that I am important, I take care of myself first.

Two Conversations I Never Thought I'd Have

2010-12-27T11:41:00.002-05:00

1. How far away from home do I want to go to college? What if I have a mental health crisis while I'm there? Fortunately, all my chosen schools are in driing distance, but just in case I am really sick at the end of the Summer, I am also applying to the school that is in walking distance from my house. I never thought I would apply there. It felt too close to home; now there is no such thing as too close to home.

2. Do I want to have biological children? Statistically, bipolar disorder gets worse with each generation. Before last week, I would have said that I was mostly stable, that I wanted kids, and that they could handle it. I was so sick last week that I do not want to subject a child to that or worse. Besides, there is always preschool onset bipolatr disorder, a possibility about which I would need to worry. I believe right now that having biological children would be nothing short of selfish. It would be heart-breaking not to, but I can always adopt, and I really don't want anyone to experience worse bipolar disorder than mine.

I never thought I'd be sick enough to have either of those conversations.

Please

2010-12-26T13:11:00.001-05:00

covenantbuilders.blogspot.com

Please visit the above link and read today's post about the vote and the "lost boys". It is oh so important. Please pray!

Grady's family has him! Grady's family has him!

2010-12-24T15:46:00.001-05:00

Go to adoptinggrady.blogspot.com to see pictures!

Maybe...

2010-12-21T22:40:00.002-05:00

Maybe if a different sperm had hit a different egg, I wouldn't be bipolar. Of course, I probably wouldn't be precisely me, either, but I wouldn't be bipolar. Just something to think about.

Also, PLEASE PRAY. While we in America are asleep tonight, a bill will be passed which, with its current wording, will stop all foreign adoptions from a country in Eastern Europe, including the ones already in progress. I'm not sure exactly which country, but I'm pretty sure all of Eastern Europe has those awful mental institutions. So please, for the sake of the children: PRAY, PRAY, PRAY.

New Resolution

2010-12-20T12:43:00.002-05:00

Wuth everything that happened in the past year, I lost sight of my "challenge" to save and donate money. I meant to save and donate to Grady's account, and yet other less important things got in the way.

I am starting again. Grady is about to be adopted; it is too late--thank God--to raise money for him. My new goal is to rais money to donate to one of the "older girls" pages on the Reece's Rainbow site. I will let you know how it goes.

You Know You Come from a Certain Walk of Life When...

2010-12-19T13:53:00.002-05:00

1. An easy blood test makes your day.
2. The most exciting thing about your upcoming eighteenth birthday is that you will get to sign your own medical forms.
3. Having only one sick person to pray for feels amazing.

(I will be updating this list periodically.)

More Real Deal

2010-12-16T12:59:00.002-05:00

I gave in. I gave up. I caved. For reasons far too private to post on a blog (so please try not to judge my decision) I came home for break early on medical leave. I didn't even bring any of my school books or work with me because I expected to be sick for a long time. I am not. I feel fine now. I should have brought my books.

But the real deal is that it is very hard to think straight during a bipolar episode. The real deal is that I had to give in (although really adults in my life made the decision for me) because sometimes life is just too much. I will be working with my therapist to develop coping skills so my next episode does not get this bad. Nevertheless, the real deal is that this one did.

Just keeping it real.

The Real Deal

2010-12-07T21:09:00.002-05:00

All right, everybody. I am being raw and real here. I am not hiding anything or holding anything back.

I am depressed, the worst I've felt this episode. I actually had to regularly stop studying tonight to curl up in fetal position and try to get rid of some of the pain. Depression is disabling. In an hour and half, I only took flashcards on six pages of notes. This is unbelievably slow for me.

I have tests next week, and I can still muster up the strength and presence of mind to be a little bit worried about my grades. It's lucky this didn't happen during finals week. It's lucky break is coming soon.

I feel awful, torn apart at the seams.

That is all.

Uncertainty

2010-12-06T20:26:00.001-05:00

That one word sums up my life right now. Uncertainty. My mental stability cannot be depended upon moment to moment, day to day.

I had a great weekend (healthwise and otherwise) and thought I was stable. Then I went to school today. I aborted the beginning of a manic episode using Xanax, but I shouldn't have to do that. I am in the stage now of "GET. HOMEWORK. DONE." just in case I can't do it the next day. I cannot trust my brain or relax into its abilities for more than a few hours at most before I am checking symptoms. I am sick. I am chronically ill, and for the first time in a long time I am feeling what that means.

Prayers, please?

Still in an episode...

2010-12-02T21:14:00.003-05:00

...and here is a poem I wrote today.

Wishes
Maybe someday this wild ride will cease.
Maybe soon I'll wake up from the dream.
I'll raise my eyes; the sun will shine.
Rain will fall, but only gently.
I'm praying someday soon.

Ranting

2010-11-30T20:30:00.001-05:00

Another episode starting.

Why? Why now?

Very simple.

I missed some sleep.

Yes, you read that correctly. For ONE night, I got slightly less than enough sleep. ONCE.

And now I'm entering a mild episode, requring a temporary medication change to fix.

Why am I so emotionally strong but mentally fragile?

Giving Thanks

2010-11-26T14:53:00.001-05:00

I have so much for which to be thankful this year. I have my health, my family, my home, and my friends.

I think most of all I am thankful for my friends. I have a dozen friends--I counted--half of whom go to school with me. For someone who as a little girl had at most two friends at a time, this is no small thing. I don't use real names (except for mine) on my blogs to protect people's identities, and I cannot possibly come up with twelve nicknames (the individuals so nicknamed would not recognize themselves anyway), but I love. my. friends.

Thank you, God.

Home!

2010-11-19T12:37:00.002-05:00

Here I am. blogging from my room at home. Break time is such a blessing. I am enjoying a quiet day, just relaxing, with nothing I have to get done (probably my only day like that, besides Shabbat, this break). In a little bit I will go grocery shopping with my father so I can pick out vegetables for salads.

Going Home!

2010-11-18T15:51:00.000-05:00

In twenty minutes I am heading home for Thanksgiving! 6:05 pm flight, arrive home 10:57 pm. SO excited! Sorry about missing a couple days of posting; my computer would not let me access blogger.

Finals Status

2010-11-15T20:49:00.001-05:00

Math: Done. I think I did better than I expected.
Hebrew: Presented my project early this afternoon.
Biology: Tomorrow morning. I only got three hours of studying done; if I prayed for frivolous things, I would be praying now!
English: Tomorrow afternoon. I studied for about an hour to an hour and a half; I think I'll manage.
Psychology: Wednesday afternoon. I'll have lots of time to study for that one.
Death, Dying, and the Afterlife: Thursday morning. Open notes.

Will keep you posted!

Math Final Coming Up Tomorrow

2010-11-14T22:26:00.001-05:00

I thought I was totally lost...then I went to the review session with my teacher and now I feel that I might actually be fine as long as I take my time. We will see tomorrow.

Triggers

2010-11-13T21:06:00.001-05:00

NOTE TO SELF: Stop watching anti-bullying Youtube videos! All they do is trigger memories!

Happy

2010-11-11T22:19:00.002-05:00

I had a happy day today. I am still obssessed with my past, still feeling driven to talk about it, but I am neither sad, angry, nor scared. I feel better.

Ten Minutes to Bedtime...

2010-11-10T22:06:00.000-05:00

...I feel ready to be done with this lsat memory, but I am obssessing over it. That tells me that I am not done.

But I am taking care of my inner child, and I can begin to see the light at the end of the tunnel again.

Ten Bullet Points

2010-11-09T21:14:00.003-05:00

Hebrew project well underway.
Began processing awful memory today. Feeling ripped open and vulnerable.
Don't know how well I'll sleep tonight.
Nine days until Thanksgiving break.
Have four final exams, one open note exam, and a project coming up.
Got two new pencils today.
Going to bed early tonight.
Got Senior pictures taken this week.
Did not do any studying for finals today.
My favorite color is purple.

Reading Week Day 1

2010-11-08T22:27:00.001-05:00

Flashcard Status: Biology and Math complete. Psych and English next.

Reading Assignments Status: Hebrew reading finished. Notes for Death Dying and the Afterlife finished. Now to work on Hebrew book report.

Guess What?!

2010-11-07T16:41:00.000-05:00

I got into college!!!!!!!!!!!

...that is all.

The Memory

2010-11-06T21:57:00.001-04:00

So I guess I missed posting on Friday, but I am picking up again.

I know what will happen with that memory. It will be present and a little bit painful until I can find time and space to begin processing it, at which point it will be very present and very painful for a while, until it fades into the background. I'm trying to decide whether to start processing it now so it will go away sooner, or wait until after break so it won't interrupt finals.

Recovering...

2010-11-04T17:10:00.000-04:00

It's going to take a few days for me to feel like myself again after last night. That awful memory is still too fresh for a quick "recovery" from feeling it.

Too Many Memories

2010-11-03T20:22:00.000-04:00

Tonight here at school we had a program on school bullying. I have a long history with that, one I prefer to forget and/or shove aside. I couldn't tonight. Video clips of hallways, bus rides...way too many memories. Overwhelming.

Day 2

2010-11-02T16:48:00.000-04:00

Not much to write about today. In a couple of minutes I am going to go work on a Hebrew worksheet. Then I am going to eat dinner, revise an English essay and study for a Sports Medicine test. feeling homesick today.

National Blog Posting Month

2010-11-01T11:39:00.000-04:00

November is National Blog Posting Month, when one tries to blog once a day. For today, I have nothing to say except comgratulations to my school's cross country and boys' basketball teams who represented our school very well at States (cross country) and a tournament against other Jewish schools (basketball). Go Teams!

Please, please do something...

2010-10-30T19:53:00.001-04:00

covenantbuilders.blogspot.com/2010/10/shouting.html

Read this. Please. Then...do something. Donate money, donate time, donate prayers, or just post this to your blog as well. Please help.

Ally Day

2010-10-20T22:42:00.002-04:00

Ally Day has come to a close, a great success. Here's a rundown:

Homeroom: Each student receives a rainbow "celebrate diversity" bracelet (similar to a livestrong bracelet) and fills out a survey about bullying at our school. The surveys are collected and returned to one of the faculty members of the Gay Straight Alliance.

Lunchtime: People sign cards pledging to be an ally (support others, intervene when necessary and safe, refrain from using anti-gay slurs) and stick stickers on a banner proclaiming "That's So Gay" in an attempt to cover up the message.

Dinner: People sign preprinted postcards advocating for gay marriage, the repeal of Don't Ask Don't Tell, and safer schools in our county.

Evening: big assembly using video clips and the morning's survey data to drive home the necessity of taking a stand.

It was a big success. So why am I upset? I still believe that, if there were a choice, no one would choose to be gay. Ever. It's simply too hard.

Ally Day on Wednesday

2010-10-18T19:00:00.000-04:00

On Wednesday, the Gay Straight Alliance at my school is putting together a program called Ally Day. I can't give details here because people from school read this blog, but it is going to be EPIC.

I am proud to be part of such an awesome, difference-making group, and I am excited to put my plans into action.

What a miracle!

2010-09-28T21:33:00.003-04:00

I feel normal! I can study! I can't make up for lost time, but I sure as heck can study now.

For those interested in the medical/clinical side of this, I am now taking one milligram of Risperdal (up from one half), 800 mg Seroquel, 15 mg Abilify, 900 mg Lithium, 200 g Lamictal, one B vitamin, half a No-Doz (to counteract the side effects of the Seroquel), and one half milligram of Xanax as needed.

Totally Destabilizing...

2010-09-26T15:01:00.002-04:00

...worse than I've felt for months and months. I am practically unable to study for my three big tests coming up. I feel really, really sick. This feels awful.

(And, as my therapist suggested I say: This feels awful, but it will pass, and I will get through it.)

Feeling Bipolar Again...

2010-09-26T12:14:00.000-04:00

...and I have to study for three tests today. I have my wieghted blanket on, I have played a game of solitaire, and at 12:30 I am getting to work. I meant to be working two hours ago, but it didn't work out that way.

Wish me luck! If you are the praying sort, I would appreciate some prayers too.

New Button

2010-09-25T21:59:00.000-04:00

The new button will take you directly to donate to Grady's family grant for his adoption. Apologies for the size; if anyone knows how to make it just a little bit smaller, I would greatly appreciate the help. Thank you!

Heavy on my Heart

2010-09-19T21:59:00.002-04:00

Grady's family (adoptinggrady.blogspot.com) is just about paper ready to bring him home. Now they need...the money. A lot of money. $25,000, more or less. Come on people. Pray, donate through Reece's Rainbow (specify Coffman family), check out their blog, tell your friends, anything! Let's get this show on the road!

Grady

2010-09-15T20:29:00.001-04:00

This is the blog of Grady's new family: adoptinggrady.blogspot.com They are trying to get their paperwork in before November. As they explain on their blog, this is extremely important! I am praying for them.

A GREAT Deal!

2010-09-12T15:28:00.000-04:00

Today I went to Target and Michaels to pick up a few necessities, and I found...

A three-pack of Scotch tape, with a roll of double-sided tape included.

For $3.89.

That is less than a dollar per roll!

Target rocks!

Options

2010-09-04T22:12:00.003-04:00

The Xanax is no longer a miracle drug. Last night it did not help at all; today it put me to sleep for hours.

Options:

1. Keep experimenting with the Xanax, including dosages and timing.
Pros: No side effects, no addition of yet another new chemical.
Cons: This is not an "official" treatment for bipolar disorder.
2. Risperdal
Pros: This has worked for me in the past.
Cons: At a dose large enough to work, I have experienced prolactin side effects.
3. Depacote:
Pros: Triple mood stabilizers are supposed to be very effective, would automatically raise my Lamictal levels.
Cons: Potential for polycystic ovarian syndrome, not usually used in young women of childbearing age.

That's where I am now!

Don't be shy...

2010-09-03T17:50:00.000-04:00

Leave comments! Please! I love them!

Deeply Happy

2010-09-02T16:35:00.002-04:00

Coming out of a bipolar episode and back into the "real" world always fills me with a happiness deeper than any other I have ever experienced. It is just so sweet to be thinking clearly, to be able to love and be loved, to really take part in class. Even homework takes on a sense of fun because I can actually do it, with no loud music (to combat depression) or weighted blanket (to combat mania).

Truly, everything feels wonderful, as the conversation below will show:

Me: Hello, "John"; isn't the world beautiful?

"John": It is. It's also hot out.

Me: Who the he*ll cares? Life is beautiful!

(And yes, admittedly, it was actually hot out.)

The Miracle of Xanax

2010-09-01T18:40:00.001-04:00

I feel totally, absolutely, wonderfully normal! No symptoms at all! It happened so fast that I am a little bit suspicious (I could be headed for mania), but I am enjoying every minute of it. God is truly in control...perfect timing on so many levels.

My Stupid Psychiatrist...

2010-08-31T19:33:00.002-04:00

...has dumped me off on my mother (also a psychiatrist). He is uncomforable raising my medications because of potential side effects like sudden death (next to impossible). He refuses to take suggestions from my mother and just wants to get rid of me.

But my mother is fighting this battle for me, so I will just sit back and survive.

Tell me how I can be this sick (real mania, real depression) despite two mood stabilizers and two antipsychotics! This should not be happening.

I Need Hugs

2010-08-30T16:54:00.000-04:00

I'm scared. Very scared. My condition is rapidly worsening; today I was verbally exploding right, left, and center. I didn't (still don't) want this to get worse, so I called my doctor.

He doesn't know what to do, and wants to find me a specialist.

Now I'm scared.

Almost There...

2010-08-29T15:06:00.001-04:00

I am almost done with my pre-study-hall to-do list for today. I just have to interview our new Director of Residential Life for the school paper and then I can collapse. I've done a mediocre job on everything, but at least it's done. So. Little. Energy...and zero motivation.

Desperate

2010-08-28T21:34:00.002-04:00

And...we're back to square one. I need help. Symptoms are worsening, and I'm scared. No one thinks I can go into a full blown episode on all my meds, but it's been a week and a half and the symptoms are not going away. (In fact, they're getting more dramatic.) I am becoming quite the actress as I work to keep up the facade: the "everything's OK" face, getting my homework done, paying attention in class. I am trying not to lean on people; in fact, I am avoiding most people except for "John" and "Lucy", and sometimes "Mike" and "Cheri" (newer friends). I can't post more here because it gets too personal, but pray for a miracle, please!

Feeling Better, Working Hard

2010-08-26T20:51:00.001-04:00

The good news is that, having stopped my caffeine supplement, I feel fine psychiatrically.

Now the emotional work begins: the crying, the hugging, the memories.

It's been a tough week.

Badness

2010-08-24T22:19:00.000-04:00

I am not feeling well again.

It's not a steady sickness; it fluctuates. Every day I have a collection of "moments."

And today was a very long day. I have been counting down the minutes to bed time since 9:00-ish.

Wonderful News, Awful News

2010-08-23T18:32:00.003-04:00

First, the most wonderful news:

GRADY HAS A FAMILY!!!

Secondly, my bipolar brain is misbehaving (just slightly) again. I really thought this was over. I wanted it to be over.

Torn

2010-08-17T11:45:00.002-04:00

So many hurting people in the world...so many ways to help...such limited resources...

My heart hurts.

I am saving money to donate to help Grady, while hundreds of other children languish without hope.

And Haiti and Chile need help.

And Soles 4 Souls could always use more shoes.

I feel so limited.

Perhaps you could help too?

New Purchases (from Parents)

2010-08-15T15:25:00.002-04:00

I am so blessed for this school year:

3 New Notebooks
1 New Pack Pens
5 New Pairs Socks
1 Water Bottle
1 Pack Detergent Sheets
And...

1 NEW CAMERA.

I suppose the camera was not, strictly speaking, necessary, but this is my senior year after all.

A New Picture of Grady

2010-08-04T13:00:00.002-04:00

My New Charity Project

2010-08-04T09:51:00.002-04:00

Some of you may remember Grady, whom I mentioned several months ago. For new readers and those who do not remember, Reece's Rainbow is an organization that helps disabled children around the world find families in the US and Canada. The organization also matches children with Prayer Warriors, whose job it is to "pray them home." I was matched with Grady approximately five months ago, and have been praying for him ever since.

Each child on Reece's Rainbow has an adoption grant fund to help prospective families afford the adoption. At the top of each page is a Donations button; click on it to make a paypal donation and then send an email specifying the child for whom you are donating. My current project is to raise, save, or receive via birthday and Hannukah gifts, money to donate to Grady's grant fund.

To see a picture of Grady go to reecesrainbow.com. Click on Waiting Children, Other Angels, Boys, and scroll down about five boys. Grady is the one who currently has about 670 dollars in his account.

Let's bring Grady home together!

Donated

2010-08-03T10:07:00.002-04:00

Two nights ago, I donated 13 dollars saved from the school year, 10 dollars I earned from my parents for washing dishes, and 5 dollars of my parents' money to American Jewish World Service to help Haiti. That's 23 dollars of my own, worked for money, and donating it was the most amazing feeling ever.

Blog Post Number 100

2010-07-15T19:19:00.000-04:00

So. Here we go. The big 100. Is this announcement big enough?

I am bisexual, not lesbian.

I am a woman, and I am strong, and I can handle this.

Sorry folks, that's all I've got tonight.

Aimed at "Anonymous" Who Commented on my Pain Blog

2010-07-08T20:51:00.002-04:00

Thank you for your comment about Jesus. I appreciate your consideration of what you believe to be my best interests. I am asking for just enough tolerance from you to allow me to walk my own path, even when it is not yours.

Also, please, take responsibility for your actions and words and leave a name with your comment next time.

Thank you.

Money Update

2010-07-07T14:14:00.002-04:00

After saving what I could all year, I have thirteen dollars to donate to Haiti. I am fully aware that it is not very much, but every little bit counts.

My parents pay us two dollars a load for doing dishes, and from that I have saved up the money to buy an Equality Ring, symbol of the National Marriage Boycott (marriageboycott.ning.com). I want two more cheap items (dolls for my dollhouse), and then everything else I earn will go to charity again. I shouldn't be buying the dollhouse dolls, but every now and then one needs to spend some money on oneself, you know?

The Past Eight Months

2010-06-20T22:19:00.003-04:00

Tonight I was talking to my mother, saying she and my father seemed to think I've had a really hard year, and what was up with that.

She helpfully reminded me that it's only been eigh months or so since I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder.

Eight months...it sounds so short when you put it like that. Eight months of trying this and that medication, dealing with this or that side effect. Eight months of blessed stable periods alternating with places no brain should ever have to go. In the past eight months (especially at the beginning), I have been to the depths of depression, soaring in the air of mania, and everywhere in between. These episodes form an emotional rollercoaster I cannot forget.

Yet I also had and have great reason to hope. Mood stabilizers have worked wonders, giving me back my life: granting me, for the first time, the potential to control my emotional reactions. (Developing the ability is another story entirely and one of my major tasks this summer, but the potential is there.)

Some things have changed forever. My noise thresholds are permanently lower; I'm glad I worked with Habitat for Humanity while I could still stand the sound of a hammer. I will forever be cautious in the summer sun to avoid mania, forever need eight hours of sleep a night, forever have to monitor myy fluid intake to prevent dehydration. (Thank you, Lithium.) But mine is a story of courage and rainbows. Mine is a story of hope.

Stupid Mistake

2010-06-06T19:22:00.001-04:00

(Background: sunglasses help prevent mania in the spring/summer. A while ago I was feeling weird mentally and got some, and that seemed to fix the problem. Once I was feeling better, I quit wearing them because I hate them.)

I stopped wearing sunglasses a couple weeks ago. BAD PLAN.

It is the night before my history final, and two nights before my math final. I have done a half-way job studying for history, and I am studying math as I am able. BAD TIMING for hypomania. VERY VERY BAD.

LGBT Online Forums

2010-06-04T17:15:00.001-04:00

I don't know if any readers are looking for an online LGBT group to join, but just in case...

Sign up at marraigeboycott.ning.com
Click on groups.
Most are region/school specific, but two, Pride and Rainbow Pride, are not.
Find one or both of these groups.
Join one or both of these groups.

What happened?

2010-05-31T23:01:00.000-04:00

There used to be three followers, and now there is one...did I offend somebody?

I Remember

2010-05-31T22:15:00.002-04:00

On this Memorial Day, I remember...

The soldiers who bravely gave their lives for our country.

That we are currently fighting at least one war in the Middle East.

The courageous, selfless men and women who serve our country every day.

And I bear witness...

To all those who are hiding a part of who they are in order to serve.

To the boyfriends and girlfriends left behind, their love never acknowledged.

To the 14,000 military careers claimed by "Don't Ask Don't Tell".

In closing, "When I was in the military they gave me a medal for killing two men and a discharge for loving one." ~Epitaph of Leonard P. Matlovich, 1988

Lesbian and Loving It

2010-05-30T22:16:00.003-04:00

I am proud of being lesbian.

Yes, you heard me: I am proud of being lesbian.

I am PROUD to be crushing on girls, with all the heartache it brings.

I am PROUD to keep up with news in my world via gayrights.change.org.

I am PROUD of the courage of my people, standing up for our right to life in Africa and our right to marriage in America.

I am PROUD to be different. I am PROUD to be "out". I am PROUD to be a color of the rainbow.

I am lesbian and I am PROUD, and I will shout it from the rooftops!

Unexpected Expenses

2010-05-27T16:22:00.001-04:00

$3.00 at the zoo for powerade to prevent lithium toxicity

$3.00 splurge on ice cream at the zoo

$3.00 for a party for my Hebrew class.

Raising Awareness

2010-05-26T16:33:00.000-04:00

http://gayrights.change.org/blog/view/missionaries_of_hate_details_harms_of_ugandan_bill

Apalling...makes me glad to live in America. I cannot say that I am yet proud to be an American, but I am glad to live in America.

Identity Dress-Up

2010-05-25T22:06:00.002-04:00

Sometimes I feel like a little girl trying on dresses as I explore and experiment with various parts of my identity. Yesterday I discovered a national marriage boycott (marriageboycott.ning.com) and of course I signed up. I will shortly be ordering my equality ring (see the website) and the day I get to discard that ring will be one of the happiest of my life.

I am lesbian. I know that.

Yet three weeks ago I was battling random waves of rage as I struggled to remain socially acceptable.

I am bipolar. I know that.

I am a bipolar, lesbian Jew.

Or a lesbian, bipolar, Jew.

Or a Jewish, bipolar lesbian.

Or a Jewish lesbian with Bipolar Disorder.

Or...

It's a lot to wear all at once.

Treasured Conversation Snippet

2010-05-24T18:24:00.002-04:00

Me: I love you a lot.

"John": Sarah, we are the dearest of friends.

Me: You kow you're one of two friends I count as family, right?

"John": You know you're one of two friends I count as friends?

"John": That didn't make any sense, did it?

Me: No.

"John": That's OK. It didn't need to.

[I love conversations like that!]

My Favorite Things

2010-05-09T19:07:00.003-04:00

(Inspired by this [http://themourofamily.blogspot.com/search/label/random%20thoughts] post at the Mouro Family Blog.)

1. My best friend "John": He has been there for me through everything--good and bad, usual and not-so-much--from day one. He has seen me through chronic pain, great test scores, Bipolar Disorder, my amazing religious experiences, etc. He's been there to wish me luck for plays and interviews and tell me he knew I could do it, no matter what "it" was.

2. Music by Steven Curtis Chapman: I have had to be a bit careful with this one because he is a Christian music artist and I don't want to be blasting Christian music at this school, but his songs are all amazing and I've managed to find a sizeable playlist. My favorites are "God is God" and "Fingerprints of God".

3. "Battle Hymn of the Republic": My favorite song ever. It is such a powerful poem!

4. Jewish philosophy: There is more to being spiritual than simply praying. I like to read about God (or rather other people's metaphors for God) too.

5. A good rain storm: I love to watch rain, feel rain, play in the rain.

6. Clean, cold water: There is nothing so refreshing in the world, and I know how lucky I am to have it.

7. Sewing: I love to sew, especially when I am doing something practical, such as repairing clothes. That just makes me feel so productive!

8. Sculpey III modeling clay: I got my first pack for my sixth birthday...let's just say I've been hooked ever since!

9. My favorite nightshirt: It's from a klezmer (Jewish folk) music concert in 1997. It is a mens' extra large and I will never outgrow it! It's actually been my favorite nightshirt for thirteen years.

10. Reece's Rainbow: I just love the work of this organization! What a worthwhile cause! And of course, I feel very attached to the little boy, Grady, for whom I am praying.

*Just one more: Meir Panim: A charity that works in Israel to provie hot meals and more to Israeli children living below the poverty line.

Randomness

2010-05-05T18:37:00.002-04:00

I feel the need to blog but I'm not sure about what I should write. In no particular order:

I am studying for the AP Language exam, twenty pages of study guide per night.

I am making a scarf as a surprise present for a special someone. (No, just in case you're reading this, not the someone who already has one.)

I am rereading a biography of Mother Teresa; this is the book that inspired my Challenge, my shoe drive, etc.

I plan to start studying for finals the day after prom.

Hmm...this still has not generated a real blog post. Oh, well. We can all deal with it.

The Challenge Day 73

2010-05-04T22:26:00.001-04:00

Today I bought my prom ticket (ten dollars) and entered a raffel for a thirty dollar gift certificate to a local restaurant (two dollars). This Sunday I need to go to Target and buy conditioner and earplugs (probably under ten dollars). This will leave forty dollars to donate at the end of the year.

My Plans for This Challenge

2010-05-03T19:34:00.001-04:00

Oddly enough, I am no longer finding "The Challenge" challenging at all. Over the past two and a half months, I have grown accustomed to it, and I now derive great joy from treasuring my possessions, using things until the very end, and saving money to donate to people who need it so much more than I. The thing is that, although in some ways I've given up so much, if we divided the world's resources, opportunities, and "things" evenly, I still have much more than my fair share. I feel called to right that balance wherever, whenever, however possible, with Mother Theresa as my role model and inspiration.

Also, life just tastes sweeter with less. Everything is appreciated more.

The Challenge Day 72--Patching

2010-05-03T12:21:00.003-04:00

So yesterday I repatched a skirt that was the first thing I ever patched because I have learned so much more since then. Here are some tips about patching:

1. Cut the hole into a square or some other basic shape. This makes it easier to work with.

2. The edges of the patch should far exceed the edges of the hole. You'll need more than you think, and you can always trim the edges later.

3. All fabrics are not created equal. Think about where you are patching. A hole in the knee of your jeans needs a nice, stretchy patch. A hole in a skirt just needs newish material without too much stretch.

4. Sew twice around the patch for extra durability.

5. Fabric: You may attempt to match the clothing fabric or go for something obvious and wild. I like to have fun with material; my blue skirt now has a purple, flowered patch.

6. Wear your patched clothes with pride! It's a great way to show off sewing skills.

The Challenge Day 71--A FREE show!

2010-05-02T13:33:00.001-04:00

My school is putting on a play! I'm going to see it today, because it's FREE! SO excited.

Also, please all pray for Grady. His third birthday is in less than two weeks, and after that he will have only one year before being sent to a mental institution, possibly for life. How awesome would it be if he could get a family before that?!

(See earlier post titled Introducing Grady for further information.)

Introduce Yourselves!

2010-04-30T17:36:00.002-04:00

I see I have gained some followers recently. Very exciting! Please comment and introduce yourselves if you feel comfortable doing so.

Not Quite Stable

2010-04-29T19:32:00.001-04:00

...but giving thanks for my weighted blanket, which, when cuddled in my lap or around my shoulders, can make many things much better.

Rejoice with me!

2010-04-28T22:02:00.001-04:00

I am feeling better! I am myself again! I have my soul again! And it was my pleasure to spend three hours studying math this evening.

It really does feel wonderful just to be alive and myself...how could I not be happy?

That Horrible Place

2010-04-27T16:17:00.002-04:00

There is a horrible place between depression and mania.
It is a place where there are no tears, but also no laughter.
It is not raining but there is no light.
I do not feel hopeless but I cannot feel hope.
I cannot tell you how awful it feels.

And I'm stuck.