My Stupid Psychiatrist...

...has dumped me off on my mother (also a psychiatrist). He is uncomforable raising my medications because of potential side effects like sudden death (next to impossible). He refuses to take suggestions from my mother and just wants to get rid of me.

But my mother is fighting this battle for me, so I will just sit back and survive.

Tell me how I can be this sick (real mania, real depression) despite two mood stabilizers and two antipsychotics! This should not be happening.

I Need Hugs

I'm scared. Very scared. My condition is rapidly worsening; today I was verbally exploding right, left, and center. I didn't (still don't) want this to get worse, so I called my doctor.

He doesn't know what to do, and wants to find me a specialist.

Now I'm scared.

Almost There...

I am almost done with my pre-study-hall to-do list for today. I just have to interview our new Director of Residential Life for the school paper and then I can collapse. I've done a mediocre job on everything, but at least it's done. So. Little. Energy...and zero motivation.

Desperate

And...we're back to square one. I need help. Symptoms are worsening, and I'm scared. No one thinks I can go into a full blown episode on all my meds, but it's been a week and a half and the symptoms are not going away. (In fact, they're getting more dramatic.) I am becoming quite the actress as I work to keep up the facade: the "everything's OK" face, getting my homework done, paying attention in class. I am trying not to lean on people; in fact, I am avoiding most people except for "John" and "Lucy", and sometimes "Mike" and "Cheri" (newer friends). I can't post more here because it gets too personal, but pray for a miracle, please!

Feeling Better, Working Hard

The good news is that, having stopped my caffeine supplement, I feel fine psychiatrically.

Now the emotional work begins: the crying, the hugging, the memories.

It's been a tough week.

Badness

I am not feeling well again.

It's not a steady sickness; it fluctuates. Every day I have a collection of "moments."

And today was a very long day. I have been counting down the minutes to bed time since 9:00-ish.

Wonderful News, Awful News

First, the most wonderful news:

GRADY HAS A FAMILY!!!

Secondly, my bipolar brain is misbehaving (just slightly) again. I really thought this was over. I wanted it to be over.