Thursday, December 30, 2010


I am so inspired by Mrs. Nalle at! She came home with her son "shouting", as she puts it, for the "lost boys" at her son's mental institution in his former country. She prayed, and wept, and raised money, and made connections, and...she made a difference.

I have very little money, no connections, and zero experience. But...I can blog. I can tell. I can pray. I can also donate the little money I have. Reece's Rainbow has a very real need. I will not turn my back.

At the moment, Reece's Rainbow needs donations to their Voice of Hope fund to help cover merchandise for their Buddy Walks (major awareness events), and of course the waiting children need money in their grant funds as well. Please consider donating or at least praying. Thank you.

Wonderful News!

"Grady" is officially his parents' son! His name is now Andrei Asher. God be praised! Go visit his parents' blog ( to find out more.

Also, I am considering participating in the Reece's Rainbow prayer warrior program again. On the one hand, I feel that this is a great way to help as many children as possible; on the other, I feel attached to Andrei and feel that I must keep praying for all of his needs, and that I want to focus my energy on him. Please (politely) let me know your opinions on this very important issue, and please consider lookng into the prayer warrior program yourself!

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Just so nobody thinks I'm perfect (not that anybody did)...

I know I said I had a goal to save money to donate to the Down Syndrome Older Girls' page on Reece's Rainbow. I still want to do that. But...

I wanted a Hannukah gift.
I want a birthday gift.
I will not deny myself those things because it's been a hard year and quite frankly I emotionally need them.

Extra money will go to Reece's Rainbow:
Left over birthday money from parents.
Birthday money from relatives.
Money from doing chores around the house and hopefully from my first job this Summer (assuming I can get one).

Because I know that I am important, I take care of myself first.

Monday, December 27, 2010

Two Conversations I Never Thought I'd Have

1. How far away from home do I want to go to college? What if I have a mental health crisis while I'm there? Fortunately, all my chosen schools are in driing distance, but just in case I am really sick at the end of the Summer, I am also applying to the school that is in walking distance from my house. I never thought I would apply there. It felt too close to home; now there is no such thing as too close to home.

2. Do I want to have biological children? Statistically, bipolar disorder gets worse with each generation. Before last week, I would have said that I was mostly stable, that I wanted kids, and that they could handle it. I was so sick last week that I do not want to subject a child to that or worse. Besides, there is always preschool onset bipolatr disorder, a possibility about which I would need to worry. I believe right now that having biological children would be nothing short of selfish. It would be heart-breaking not to, but I can always adopt, and I really don't want anyone to experience worse bipolar disorder than mine.

I never thought I'd be sick enough to have either of those conversations.

Sunday, December 26, 2010


Please visit the above link and read today's post about the vote and the "lost boys". It is oh so important. Please pray!

Friday, December 24, 2010

Grady's family has him! Grady's family has him!

Go to to see pictures!

Tuesday, December 21, 2010


Maybe if a different sperm had hit a different egg, I wouldn't be bipolar. Of course, I probably wouldn't be precisely me, either, but I wouldn't be bipolar. Just something to think about.

Also, PLEASE PRAY. While we in America are asleep tonight, a bill will be passed which, with its current wording, will stop all foreign adoptions from a country in Eastern Europe, including the ones already in progress. I'm not sure exactly which country, but I'm pretty sure all of Eastern Europe has those awful mental institutions. So please, for the sake of the children: PRAY, PRAY, PRAY.

Monday, December 20, 2010

New Resolution

Wuth everything that happened in the past year, I lost sight of my "challenge" to save and donate money. I meant to save and donate to Grady's account, and yet other less important things got in the way.

I am starting again. Grady is about to be adopted; it is too late--thank God--to raise money for him. My new goal is to rais money to donate to one of the "older girls" pages on the Reece's Rainbow site. I will let you know how it goes.

Sunday, December 19, 2010

You Know You Come from a Certain Walk of Life When...

1. An easy blood test makes your day.
2. The most exciting thing about your upcoming eighteenth birthday is that you will get to sign your own medical forms.
3. Having only one sick person to pray for feels amazing.

(I will be updating this list periodically.)

Thursday, December 16, 2010

More Real Deal

I gave in. I gave up. I caved. For reasons far too private to post on a blog (so please try not to judge my decision) I came home for break early on medical leave. I didn't even bring any of my school books or work with me because I expected to be sick for a long time. I am not. I feel fine now. I should have brought my books.

But the real deal is that it is very hard to think straight during a bipolar episode. The real deal is that I had to give in (although really adults in my life made the decision for me) because sometimes life is just too much. I will be working with my therapist to develop coping skills so my next episode does not get this bad. Nevertheless, the real deal is that this one did.

Just keeping it real.

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

The Real Deal

All right, everybody. I am being raw and real here. I am not hiding anything or holding anything back.

I am depressed, the worst I've felt this episode. I actually had to regularly stop studying tonight to curl up in fetal position and try to get rid of some of the pain. Depression is disabling. In an hour and half, I only took flashcards on six pages of notes. This is unbelievably slow for me.

I have tests next week, and I can still muster up the strength and presence of mind to be a little bit worried about my grades. It's lucky this didn't happen during finals week. It's lucky break is coming soon.

I feel awful, torn apart at the seams.

That is all.

Monday, December 6, 2010


That one word sums up my life right now. Uncertainty. My mental stability cannot be depended upon moment to moment, day to day.

I had a great weekend (healthwise and otherwise) and thought I was stable. Then I went to school today. I aborted the beginning of a manic episode using Xanax, but I shouldn't have to do that. I am in the stage now of "GET. HOMEWORK. DONE." just in case I can't do it the next day. I cannot trust my brain or relax into its abilities for more than a few hours at most before I am checking symptoms. I am sick. I am chronically ill, and for the first time in a long time I am feeling what that means.

Prayers, please?

Thursday, December 2, 2010

Still in an episode...

...and here is a poem I wrote today.

Maybe someday this wild ride will cease.
Maybe soon I'll wake up from the dream.
I'll raise my eyes; the sun will shine.
Rain will fall, but only gently.
I'm praying someday soon.