Thursday, December 31, 2009

A New Year...A New Dawn...A New Life

2009 was an incredibly difficult year for me. In fact, as I approached my sixteenth birthday last February, and people asked if I was looking forward to it, my response was: "15 was really hard; 16 will be another year of challenges." Boy was I right!

For the last two years, I have been suffering almost constantly. 16 months of horrible RND; working hard (still) to fix that; Bipolar Disorder; my sexuality...I've been through a lot. It's finally over. I get to stop suffering.

What a relief?



I am still reeling from all that through which I have gone...still desperately trying to get my feet up under me and not really sure how to do it. I just realized this break (and I've been fully mobile since April) that I used to have a life outside my room. Now I'm working to figure out how to piece back together what I still have and recreate the rest of it.

I'm a little bit jaded by experience and can't quite believe that 2010 will be any easier than 2009. All things considered, though, I think it probably will be: I am barely hurting (worse recently but I'm working on it and it should be easy to fix because I nipped it in the bud); my bipolar disorder is under control; and I am almost comfortable with my sexuality.


I feel a little hesitant saying this in light of 2009...


2010, BRING IT ON!

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Unhelpful Thought Loop

At the moment I am caught in an unfortunate thought-loop. I cannot think about how lucky I am without thinking of everything through which I've been...and then I have to fight to stop feeling sorry for myself...soo unhelpful.

I think it's just that so much has happened over the last two years (pain, coming to realize and understand my past, bipolar disorder, sexuality) that I am just reeling from it all...still tumbling head over heels trying to figure out who I am and realize that it's all over.

I still feel blessed...and life is too good to me.

"I see trees of green, red roses too; I see them bloom for me and you, and I think to myself what a wonderful world."

(The title quote is obviously from "What a Wonderful World" [if that's actually the title of the song]; I don't know the artist).

Lucky, lucky, lucky me! I am the luckiest girl in the world!

I picked up my new glasses today. I got the prescription in August...after I'd needed it for a few months's now December...I can see, I can see, I can SEE! Everything is sharper, world, my world is brighter! OK, so I don't see red roses because it's Winter, but I do see trees of green, and the world is wonderful.

Also...I had recently been feeling sorry for myself because my feet still hurt a bit sometimes and probably always will. Yesterday, however, I reread my pain blog for an essay I have to write for a scholarship application for this summer. I went through the whole thing, start to finish, and realized how much I had forgotten. I have kept the memories of people helping me, because those are good memories; but I guess I just erased things like rewearing dirty clothes for a week because I couldn't do laundry, collapsing six times in one day (I remembered collapsing, mostly in connection to people helping me, but I did not recall doing it that often), and coming back to my room in the afternoons and flopping onto my bed...or the floor...screaming and crying because I couldn't keep the pain in anymore.

I am so, so blessed to have my mobility! Even when I hurt "a lot" (compared to current baseline but so little compared to what I was in before), I can still stand, walk, hurts a lot sometimes and occasionally I make that obvious, but I can do it.

And I may not have many friends because of all those months when I couldn't leave my room, but I can leave my room now, and I'm trying to make up for lost time...and I do have a couple of friendships so good I didn't even know friendship could be like that.

Not to mention two wonderful brothers, a mother to whom I can confide anything, a good roof over my head, TWO warm beds (one in NY, one in NC), good food and safe drinking water, mental stability (Yes, still! My meds are still working!)...can any girl in the world be luckier than I?


Friday, December 25, 2009


I am blessed...I am so blessed.

My feet are not pain-free, and they probably never will be, but I feel good enough to run, skip, jump, rollerblade...everything.

Psychiatrically, I am totally stable. On my meds, I am symptom-free: back to being goofy, fun, passionate, adolescent ME!

I have a wonderful family: close-knit, loving, warm, giving, etc. etc. etc.

In my hometown, I have a wonderful friend who might as well be family...we've known each other for eleven years.

At school, I have two of the greatest friends for whom anyone could ever ask, and a dorm full of girls who would kill for me.

I do not know who I am, but I do know where I'm going.

And...the icing on the cake...last night I took a walk to look at pretty Christmaas lights. They were lovely! And skipping down the street singing jingle bells is totally worth the cold and the pain.

To all my Christian readers, Merry Christmas! And to everyone, a Happy New Year!

Monday, December 21, 2009

Still Here

Hello All,

I am still here. I've just been very busy.

Bipolar symptoms are completely under control (Translation: I am symptom-free!) thanks to a combination of lithium, lamictal, and seroquel. The lithium and the seroquel are both weight gainers, so I have changed my eating habits (MANY fewer sweets, more fruits and vegetables) and plan to start using the treadmill at school every day. I did go back to school for two weeks, but now it's winter treadmill.

I've really hit the ground running with schoolwork. I have five assignments to complete over break, and at school I was getting about two hours of work a night. Not to mention studying for the SAT...

I am a member of my school's gay straight alliance, which meets approximately once a week. I really think it's a straight alliance except for me, but it still helps me feel less lonely. Every member got a "gay? fine by me" tshirt; mine is now my favorite shirt.

Sunday, December 6, 2009

Heartbroken Acceptance

True or False:

If I hadn't gone to Israel, I wouldn't have gotten sick.

If I hadn't been open with the information about my diagnosis, it wouldn't really be true.

If I don't join support groups, I won't really be sick.

There is something I could have done to prevent my illness.

I deserve this.

False. All of the above statements are false. Not one is true.

I am sick. I am actually, truly sick. And I will always have to take my medication. And my life will have limits. I am sick.

And I am overwhelmed by grief. I cannot even think about tomorrow.

Friday, December 4, 2009

I Hate Me

I hate me.

I hate who I am when I'm depressed. I hate needing so much from people that I'm probably draining them, and not even being able to feel grateful because I cannot feel love, because I cannot feel.

I hate walking around with a face that does not change, as people wonder why I stare at them when they speak to me or stare off into space whenever.

I hate not being able to give to the world because I'm so busy looking after myself.

I hate trying to force my self to care about everything.

I hate me.

Thursday, December 3, 2009

Another Poem (Yes, I'm Doing Badly Again.)


I don't
Want to
Keep going.

I don't
Want to
Keep going.

But I
Can't stop--
I can
Not stop--
I don't
Want to
Keep going.

I have lost my ability to love and be loved. I miss "John", but he's right there; I am she whom I really miss. I can't quite believe he, my best friend, and I were ever truly friends; this depression feels like forever.